Time to Speak Up

The fact of the matter is that a large part of my formal education and my skills are related to writing clever code so that a microprocessor may efficiently access and use peripheral devices. That rather neatly does sum up my areas of expertise. I do not opine on the Indian political jamboree and the form and technique of members of the Indian cricket team because of this very reason -- ineptitude. It is not due to the lack of attachment or emotion but due to the marked absence of erudition and knowledge that I do not venture to comment on the above mentioned subjects, which frankly are beyond my ken. Therefore, I had previously decided to maintain the stolid, silent, gawking silence on the matter of the ridiculous censoring of the blogspot.com and typepad.com domains and a bunch of other websites by the imbeciles in the bureaucracy and the government. I have however decided against it and as a result, I will make this boring and pontificating exception for reasons which I shall also try to put across. I really do not expect the storming of the neighbourhood Bastille after this post hits the stands mainly due to two reasons. Firstly, my writing is not evocative enough and secondly, if my regular readership (roughly three in number) did decide to embark on an such an adventure, they would be hopelessly outnumbered by the prison guards. What however, I do expect this post to do is notch up my expression of protest, disgust and frustration as a citizen of the Republic of India because now is the time to speak up.

We are a democracy with flaws. Our politicians have been merrily filching public money and buying their children guns -- guns with which they shoot barmaids in the face because they were refused drinks. We are one of the most corrupt countries in the world. Despite the flaws, at the end of the day, there is hope. There is hope because we are a democracy. There is hope because the fathers of our constitution had envisioned a nation with a free, empowered society. It is just a matter of time before our people realize that. It is just a matter of time before we fulfil our destiny. It will not happen in my lifetime or my children's lifetime, but it is inevitable. It is on the cards. The promise of a free, empowered society is our fountain of hope.

There will be people who will deem the blocking of a bunch sites as trivial -- "Somebody must have blocked some sites. What is your problem ?" they will say. Well, here is my problem. When you selectively block a bunch of sites, you are stifling opinion and debate. You are are shutting out certain ideologies since you do not like them. You Sir, have no freaking right to do that to MY society. You are screwing around with a vision and a fundamental right that has been granted to me, to us -- a privilege that I hold sacrosanct. You are destroying my, our vision of the free, empowered society. That is my problem. That is our problem.

In a democracy, one hopes that the functional fourth estate would be that entity through which public outrage would be expressed and viewpoints debated on. The sad truth however is that, when the Indian Government and its entourage of incompetent bureaucrats were walloping the living daylights out of the freedom of expression, the headlines and the news (sic) channels were too deeply involved with the return of Sachin Tendulkar in the cricket team to bother about other unimportant topics like the heavy handed stifling of free speech. That Indian MSM sadly has got its priorities so yellowed, that it is no longer functional.

We therefore now have a scenario where we have a very very scary example being set by the authorities coupled with a dysfunctional, disinterested and boneheaded public press. The government says that I can jolly well select and shut up the opinions I dont take a liking to, and the public press responds with a nonchalant shrug. So, it is time to grab the nearest soapbox, stand atop it and holler. Whatever minuscle platform or forum one might have, it is now the time to put in a word of protest. I know fully well that a handful of writings on the internet like this one is not going to make any difference to the government or the vote banks but we as citizens of a free country and a society will do all that is possible on our part. We will do our bit. We will register our protest. As I have said, now is the time to speak up.

Blogspot Blocked in India

I am not an erudite man. I am not really capable of unshipping a voluminous discourse on free speech and the functioning of a free society and how I feel aggravated and all that. I will say it the way I can:

The Emperor: [to the Senate] In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years.
[Senate fills with enormous applause]
Padme: [to Bail Organa] So this is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause.
From Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Early Monsoon Rains and Other Potent Liquids

Although I am not in complete agreement with this passage-of-time thingy, the sad truth is that time does pass with exacting surety. And while it goes about doing the passing thing, it does strange things to the market value of your mobile phone and even stranger things to Michael Jackson's face. Also, at most times, it changes the people one once knew and the places one once used to live in. Due to this remarkable phenomenon, the exercise of chewing the fat with a close friend after a long long time can culminate in two varieties of experiences. The first kind of experience is very much akin the finding of a significant amount of money in the pockets of an old pair of jeans and the second like the discovery of a putrid pail of ice-cream in the dark recesses of the freezer. I am therefore happy to announce that spending the weekend with ADJ after the above mentioned long long time has most certainly been of the former variety. No putrid ice-cream in the freezer -- just a lot of beer. (ADJ's refrigerator is not now that strength which in the old days moved earth and heaven, and so the freezer does not actually manage to freeze the beer. It just keeps it crisp and cool)

The nature of the monsoon in and around Delhi like all other things is marked by rude curtness. It makes intermittent, squally cameos to make way for steamy, humid sunshine. The last weekend however was a welcome difference. It was late in the afternoon when we finally rose and shone to find the whole of Gurgaon soaked in a continuing slow, silent, seeping shower. There was nothing else we could do. ADJ and me settled down into a couple of rocking-chairs, bought out the good scotch, and watched the rain gently settling into ADJ's expansive terrace. When the good scotch was exhausted, we bought out the cheaper stuff, and then the beer. As we sat there, we talked of time gone and innocence lost. We talked of the evils of not drinking. We exchanged notes on the merits of long, steady relationships and steamy one-night stands. (We both have concluded that both of them are not too bad) We made plans to drive across the country. We called up old friends. While I had easy conversations with a few, some I could not connect with anymore. Specific female anatomies were also discussed and critiqued upon with due diligence and sincerity.

Type of Writer

The all knowing, sanguine www has finally discerned that I am a poet at heart. That does not come as a surprise since I have contributed with some extremely brainy stuff in the past. What however surprises me to a degree is that I am a very leggy woman also.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

The Reservations Protests -- The Post-match Press Conference

The possessors of perspicacious minds and sharp memories will faintly recollect the printed media having had passing mentions and the blogosphere having had rather vociferous outbursts regarding the new reservation policy which the Indian Government has prudently decided to unleash unto its unsuspecting citizens. For the unacquainted, the reservation policy is an extremely erudite law which has been formulated after rather large portions of research by people with significantly bulging brains. This law simply states that the racial variety of the testicles of one's father is more important than one's brains and academic achievements combined, when it comes to securing a place in an institution of higher education.

People with voluminous brains have already commented on the relative merits and the utter rottenness of this whole scheme and it would be considered impertinent if I in my limited intellectual capabilities were to pass any variety of judgement on it. However, now that the entire brouhaha has met its natural death and has been consigned to the dusty cabinet of forgotten inconveniences, I would like to follow the path much trodden by the inferior columnist and bring you the post-match interviews. Therefore, without much ado, and with an unprecedented and vigorous cut-to-the-chase, I present the variegated opinions and viewpoints unshipped at the post-match press conference.

The Fat Bald Politician (FBP)
The FBP with the customary smug, constipated demeanour said
"On a personal level I do not give a rat's posterior to this whole thingummy. I am beyond any sort of higher education and my offspring too have no requirement for it. In fact they have no requirement for any education or skills at all since I have skimmed enough from public coffers and lottery frauds so that they can lead the lives of the idle rich.
At a political level however I was not exactly sleeping over it. As soon as these blokes made for the protests, I set my aides to find out as to which exact vote bank the chumps belonged to. Much to my surprise, they did not belong to any of the established mass-voting entities. We all know that in a democracy, one pretty much does not possess any rights if one does not belong to any of the vote-banks. So, being the undeserving cretins that they were, I promptly instructed the police to wallop the living daylights out of them. That for some strange reason did not go well with the pesky fourth estate. (Ingrates that they are) So I simply decided to ignore them. Worked well actually."
After saying so, FBP then went to sleep.

The Fourth Estate
The representative of the public press arrived late. He however profusely apologized for his late arrival -- "I am very sorry to have kept all of you waiting. I was actually held up since I was covering the live telecast of Shah Rukh Khan's tummy tuck surgery. You know how these surgery things are don't you ? It went into extra time." he said with an apologetic shrug. When asked about the whole reservation thing he said
"In all honesty, it did start out pretty well. We did have a whale of a time when the police were thrashing the protesters within an inch of their lives. We did get a few of the gory shots of students rolling in the mud and reeling from the treatment being meted out by the police. That really did give the ratings a decentish prod. The problem was that it was a bit repetitive. Also the news really did not have zip to it. Not a single celebrity joined the protests. Those lazy bums could not even manage compulsive, jobless protesters like Shabana Azmi and Arundhati Roy, leave alone a Shah Rukh Khan. We finally decided to stop covering the yawn-fest in favour of a MMS message which was doing the rounds. It is a rather scintillating MMS actually. It has a Kareena Kapoor lookalike kissing a Kader Khan lookalike with an Irfan Pathan lookalike looking on in the background."
He then, rather excitedly went on to explain as to how that the contents of the message would be exclusively telecast on a particular news channel very soon.

The Protester
The markedly dazed protester when asked about the key learnings and experiences he had gleaned from the whole ruckus, rather resignedly remarked
"These stupid movies and newspapers had us actually thinking that we are a democracy and we have rights and all that. So we started this protest nonsense thinking that somebody would actually listen to us. Those movies and feel-good articles are really not very truthful. Nobody really cares for us and our opinion is pretty much crap. Also killing the FBP is not that easy. Whatever those stupid movies say, those obese bastards never really go for morning walks when you can shoot them !"

Tags: Reservations,IndianMSM

Friends-in-Law

There exists profound differences between the modi operandi in which the fairer and the unfairer sexes socialise and exchange thoughts between themselves.

The male method is simple, straightforward and robust. The process consists of the collective absorption of alcohol or caffeine or both, interspersed with a few infrequent, random views on the traffic, weather and the general well being of the substance being imbibed. There are times when highly animated conversations do throw up thorny and controversial comments regarding the comparative merits of different rock bands, the ailing form of a particular cricket team or the dodgy knee of a particular footballer, but such occasions are extremely rare. If one stumbles upon a normal version of such a session, one is expected to be greeted with warm, amicable silence.

The female method, in sharp contradistinction to the above explained racket, is one fraught with fervent vocal activity. The topics in the fray range from the Absolutely Nothing to the Utterly Insignificant. The frugal content of the exchange however, never translates into the paucity of volume. Large helpings of ideas are exchanged on the topic of linen and the colour combinations for various things. Voluminous exchange is also observed on other miasmic topics like literature, social trends and Oprah Winfrey, but I would not be able to comment on them and neither do I intend to draw the attention of the peruser towards that direction. The remarkable quality towards which I intend to draw the attention of my scant readership is the sheer volume of stuff that is actually exchanged during the whole affair. This trend is certainly admirable for the purpose of creating and nurturing the bonhomie thingy, but suffers from one serious flaw -- One runs out of things to say.

Whereas men are not encumbered by the superfluous desire to converse or talk for the maintenance of a relationship, women for some strange quirk of character deem it a necessity. This quirk combined with the exhaustion of topics (as already explained) to discuss between two girlfriends result in what could be termed as churning. Women flit from friend to friend after all mutual topics of interest have been discussed at length.

The astute reader, much accustomed to my informative posts at this juncture would raise extremely pointed questions regarding the general direction of this banter. Therefore, without much ado, I would now like to broach the core topic. As a result of the diligently described process of churning, the individual involved in a marriage thingy in the capacity of a husband is exposed to a rather variegated selection of friends-in-law. As a result I, in my capacity of dutiful husband coupled with the character of an intrepid researcher, have finally come up with a list of categories of friends-in-law. I would like to clarify that this research is far from exhaustive and can certainly be added upon.

Type: The Sappy Nitwit
Marked by the inexplicable tendency to hallucinate. Will find the strangest of things beautiful. Will startle one with unexpected and sudden ejaculations of oohs and aahs upon chancing upon any sort of animal (including buffaloes). The animals are generally not found to reciprocate the gesture. Will suggest the worst movies and holiday destinations to the wife.
Pros: None.
Cons: The wife at times will drag one to the suggested movies and holiday destinations. Also, sudden oohs and aahs tend to distract one when driving in heavy traffic.
Husband/Partner: The husband or partner of the sappy nitwit posseses the admirable trait of unleashing blank grins to accompany the perspicacious observations on the part of his loved one. Privately, this person is generally found gnashing his teeth.

Type: The Pseudo Women's Libber
Posseses a rather unexplicable malevolence for men in general and the bald ones in particular. Professes the equality of sexes but somehow holds the opinion that men are blots in the landscape of their angst ridden life. Strangely this variety gets unusually perturbed when not given any attention by these very men. Even the bald ones. I have found this contradiction a trifle mysterious.
Pros: Due to the utter disdain with which one will be treated in one's house, one may dispense with all social graces and merrily attach oneself to the television and the beer.
Cons:Being subjected to basiliskesque glances within the confines of one's own happy home gives me the heebie jeebies.
Husband/Partner: Nonexistent.

Type: The True Women's Libber
Brevity of expression marks this particular species. Realizes the redundant excrescence that one is. Keeps the interaction to the minimum. One never gets to know the traits of the person.
Pros: As already stated, one is treated very much like a piece of furniture. Rather perfect.
Cons: None.
Husband/Partner: The company of the husband or partner is never thrust upon one.

Type: The Shopper
Appearence cannot be discerned due to the fact that the subject shall be smothered by shopping bags most of the time. Will make frequent appearences to pick up the wife to go shopping.
Pros:Conspiciously agreeable by the absence.
Cons: Severly degrades the doubloon abundance in one's life.
Husband/Partner: Seen in shopping malls with a demeanour which may be termed as dazed. Generally very well dressed.

Analyze This

Delhi, India: In an expected turn of events, the combined number of hours clocked by braindead cricket match and cricket player analysis programs on Indian television have surpassed the cumulative time for all the actual cricket shown on it. The momentous occasion came upon the unsuspecting world during 32^nd minute of the immensely popular Match ka Joker Kaun ? post match analysis show which was being aired on Aaj Tak at 8:35 pm last Saturday. A large number of channels had been vying for this prestigious achievement but Aaj Tak pipped the rest of the competition by going in for a post-match analysis program without any actual match to analyze. Bald Monkey, our chief researcher has created the worms which describes the timeline for the whole process:

Although it has made no difference to the actual viewership, the [FILMY] channel has called for a rematch. "The post match analysis program in question cannot be deemed as official since there was no actual official match before or after the show. Aaj Tak is cheating !" was the official statement from the management of [FILMY]. The Aaj Tak channel has responded saying "Talking of official, we are not even sure as to whether the Eurasia Cup thingy that the [FILMY] channel has been covering (and analyzing) is even official or not. Also, that match between the movie stars and cricketers-from-the-geriatric ward which [FILMY] telecast and analysed was certainly not official. Official Shoffical ! Pah !" . Set Max, (the pioneer of meaningless post and pre match analysis) has for unknown reasons remained silent on the matter.

When Sharad Pawar, the president of the BCCI was approached, he informed us that the BCCI had been anticipating such an eventuality. "We in the recent past had drastically increased the number of irrelevant matches and tournaments but clearly our efforts have not been enough to thwart the problem" he said. The BCCI is now looking into ways in which it might grant official status to some of the analysis programming and in the process generate some revenue for itself. "We will put in place a board of selectors who will select a panel of experts to analyze the matches on television. For the rest of the flim flam on these programs, we will have a reality-show-talent-hunt with huge portions of melodrama." the president of the BCCI said.

Tags: Cricket, FourthUmpire, IndianTV, ExtraInnings