Twenty-eight villages in the Indian state of Haryana have banned cricket following India’s World Cup exit. "We all have taken this decision and those who go against it will have to face social boycott,” said a spokesman for one of the villages. "We will stop playing it. We will play kabaddi, football, volleyball and wrestle instead."
Priceless !!
Oh yes ! It has happened. The sixth-ish or seventh-ish ranked team which was expected to end up in the first-ish or second-ish position by a billion-ish feverish fans has proved itself not to be really good enough to qualify to the top eight-ish. In the wake of such an unexpected turn of events, the Great Indian Yellow Media ( which already has pitched in with some of the most incisive and investigative reporting on the tragic Bob Woolmer affair ), decided to rest their perspicacious gaze on the Indian Team's benign coach, demanding an explanation for the tepid performance on the part of the blokes in blue. The Indian coach, in his customary bonhomie, has come back with his oft repeated "Bite Me !".
For the benefit of the members of my scanty readership who have not been able to discern the more robust undertones of this cockles-of-the-heart-warming exchange, I in my habitual generosity, have translated a few selections from the conversation itself.
Actual:
Who should take responsibility for this defeat?
I think it's a collective responsibility. We didn't play well enough and it is
a disappointment that everyone has to share.
Translation:
It is all your fault ! Is it not ?
Bite me ! The monkeys in blue are to blame.
I am of course, as I always have been --- perfect !
Actual:
Would you like to continue as coach?
This is not the time to talk about that.
Translation:
Time you called it a day eh ? (Smirk smirk)
!
Depends on how much money they offer me in
the renewed contract actually. (Smirk smirk)
Actual:
Over the last 17 matches overseas, India have only played 50 overs on four
occasions. Why is that?
We haven't played well enough.
Translation:
Have you even
been noticing that we have been batting like a bunch of bungling monkeys for
some time now ?
Yeah I did. So ?
Actual:
But it's a period stretching over one and a half years...
We haven't played well enough, that's it.
Translation:
And your
coaching and planning during that time has not really bought home the biscuit
has it ?
Bite me !
Actual:
Aren't you shirking your responsibility?
No I don't think so. I am not employed by you people, I am employed by the
BCCI. Obviously, I will have to face up to them and give them a report and
give them some indications of what I think. But I don't think this is the
forum for me to say anything.
Translation:
You know what
old chap ? All this "bite me, bite me" is getting a trifle tiresome. Are you
going to act apologetic or not ?
Muhahahahahahahaha ! You chaps would really
like that, would you not ? Well honestly, I do not intend to do any such
thing. Not worth it actually. During my
finger
raising tenure, I have realised that you
guys, at the end of the day, are rather fickle and ineffectual. So .... you
guessed it ! Bite me !
Actual:
You said you are answerable to the BCCI. But aren't you also answerable to one billion fans in India? Shouldn't you say something to them?
We didn't play well enough.
Translation:
Come on now ! Could you at least act a bit contrite ? Please ?
Bite me !
Actual:
Why didn't we play well enough?
Well I don't think India has won a tournament overseas since 1985. There is a
bit of history to it. There are obviously some reasons. I am not prepared to
go into them at this stage.
Translation:
That is
pretty much enough ! You have no clue as to how to coach a side do you ?
Well... honestly no. I am not really good at
coaching and all that. I am here for the money and the politicking . That is where the real fun is. Actually I also had no faith in this side anyway. They are a bunch who have not managed to win anything over the last 20 years. So what did you guys expect ? I was pretending to coach a bunch of imbeciles who had no chance of winning anyway. So I did not bother.
Actual:
This is still India's worst performance in World Cup history. Is there a
need for serious introspection?
I think there is a need for a serious introspection, but I don't think it
should start today.
Translation:
But we were
the finalists last time ? Remember ? We were pretty good then ! We only lost
to the Australians in the last world cup !
Well, you did not lose to Australia this
time did you ? And yes ... It really is not my fault.
Actual:
Are you going to go back with the Indian team or are you worried about your
security?
I don't think any comment about that is going to help the situation. I'm quite
confident that systems are in place to look after security of the team and the
individuals involved.
Translation:
Do you think
that the those bone-headed Indian fans might knock your house down too ?
Naah ! Those idiots cannot do that. My house
is in Australia.
Actual:
You took over the team in July of 2005. How many points would you give
yourself on a scale of 10?
Again, that's a very difficult question to answer. I'm happy that I've done the best job that I could do. Eighteen months is not a long time to build a team. If
you look at any sport, it takes a long time. To put a number from my point of
view, I don't think I am the right man to make that assessment. I am happy
with myself. The coaching staff and the support staff did they best that they
could do. It wasn't good enough.
Translation:
Care to share
a few thoughts on being a complete loser ?
Naah ! I am a bit tired of this whole conversation thing anyway. I think I will go and practice my sulk-behind-the-glass-window thing. Oh wait ! I nearly forget! For the last time, bite me !
There are times when the urge to pontificate overtakes one. To be truthful, the urge does overtake be rather frequently. This is one such time. Therefore, without much ado, I proceed to pontificate.
There was once a nice, quaint commercial Bengali movie industry. I do not use the was qualifier because the industry has disappeared. I do so because the sad fact is that it is no longer nice, quaint and entertaining. Also, I do not intend to express the view that all fare produced by this erstwhile entity was stupendous. Even during the its better days, Tollywood, (as it was called during those days) would produce its share of horrendous, tolerable, nice and lovely movies. Now they are just cheesy and embarrassing. The reason why they are so is rather simple. From being a original and Bengali affair, it went on to become a poor man's Bollywood -- a pathetic wannabe for the consumption of the tough eggs who craved for some Bollywood action the Bengali way. They are very bad Hindi movies made in Bengali. That is all I have to say about the Bollywood Tollywood thingy.
I just happened to watch Don a few days back, and am sorry to say that I found the movie to be rather horrible. I can envisage the Nike heeled, lovers-of-Anurag-Mathur hissing in anger at such an unfair judgement, but let me assure you that it truly is a bad movie. You just do not realize it is bad because you are the target audience -- the semi-literate tough eggs who speak in bad and broken english and who want some of that Hollywood action the Bollywood way. For you, it is a good movie and so you may calmly un-hiss.
Now I shall proceed to unship some advice for the benefit of the nitwit who is the scriptwriter for the cinematic abomination that is Don.
Dear Scriptwriter,
When you proceed to write the script of a movie in a particular language, you are assumed to posses a fair command over the language. Thinking up witty lines in English and then, mindlessly translating them to Urdu or Hindi does not make a witty line in Hindi or Urdu. For example, the direct translation of "You forgot to say please..." in Hindi does not make a witty line, it makes a tardy one. The same could be said about "I might just change my mind about you." I could have cited numerous other examples but I really did not think the movie was worth paying attention to. If you cannot think in Hindi or Urdu, I would advise you to write scripts in English. Please do not burden us with your pidgin Hindi. It is jarring.
Yours faithfully
A Lover of Hindi Movies
There are and will be paeans sung in praise of Don the movie -- on the high production values and how cool it looks. The truth however is much sadder. The movie is what it is --- It is a cheap, cheesy, outlandish and laughably bad Hollywood movie. The only difference is that the characters happen to speak in very bad Hindi, very much like the bad Tollywood Hindi movie in Bengali.
It was a lovely nippy morning. Just the morning to sip some (free) coffee at work and surf the (free) Internet and post a few inconsequential comments on some markedly horrible blogs.
Commenting on blogs is a lowly, but well established method of wasting productive time. To add some consequence and weight to this activity, blogger.com has introduced the system of word verification. Word verification claims to keep the spam out of the comments. The actual purpose of it all however is to add to the otherwise useless activity of commenting on blogs, a certain grandeur and importance -- a sentiment and motive I have wholesome respect for. I am therefore extremely sad to announce that this very morning, my esteem for the whole word verification thingy has been subjected to some damage.
I was, in my harmless and inconsequential nature, posting a redundant comment on an equally redundant blog when it happened. Without any prior warning or any discernable motive, blogger.com confronted me this monstrosity:
The trauma caused during the decipherment of the number of w-s and v-s in the whole thingy has been considerable. After duly posting the comment, I had to rapidly suck in two cups of very strong (free) coffee to fully recuperate so that I could resume dutifully dawdling over my work.
Word verification for me does not hold that same golden stature of glory that it did in its days of yore.
A rather feeble attempt at some Haiku. The images of nature are from the north-east and the north of India where I have lived and grown up in. My visits to Japan have been too short and hectic to actually spend any time alone with nature.
Silent rose shaped cloud.
A cold winter afternoon --
My long lost childhood.
-------
Sultry humid night.
First short, cold monsoon shower --
Fresh sheet. New poem.
-------
Slow rain on the trees,
gently washing drooping leaves --
Cleaning memories.
-------
Warm, whispering winds,
mourn in the bamboo forest --
Her last fading breath.
Dramatis Personæ
Bald Monkey, a code monkey from India.
The Other Code Monkey, another code monkey from India.
The Subway Lady, the sandwich artist at Subway.
ACT I
Scene I -- At a Subway franchisee in a mall in Maryland. The Other Code Monkey and Bald Monkey are in queue. The Other Code Monkey is in front of Bald Monkey.
The Other Code Monkey: Can I have some of that capsicum in my sandwich ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. What was that ?
The Other Code Monkey: Some capsicum ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. I dont know that.
The Other Code Monkey: Some capsicum ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. I dont know that.
The Other Code Monkey: Some capsicum ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. I dont know that.
[Repeat for five minutes]
The Other Code Monkey: Some capsicum ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. I dont know that.
Bald Monkey (to himself): Bollocks !
The Other Code Monkey: Some capsicum ?
The Subway Lady: Sorry. I dont know that.
Bald Monkey: The green peppers please ?
The Subway Lady: Aaah. The green peppers ! Here you are.
The Other Code Monkey: Thank you.
[Exeunt The Other Code Monkey]
[Bald Monkey finally gets his lunch and does happy dance.]
