The Reservations Protests -- The Post-match Press Conference

The possessors of perspicacious minds and sharp memories will faintly recollect the printed media having had passing mentions and the blogosphere having had rather vociferous outbursts regarding the new reservation policy which the Indian Government has prudently decided to unleash unto its unsuspecting citizens. For the unacquainted, the reservation policy is an extremely erudite law which has been formulated after rather large portions of research by people with significantly bulging brains. This law simply states that the racial variety of the testicles of one's father is more important than one's brains and academic achievements combined, when it comes to securing a place in an institution of higher education.

People with voluminous brains have already commented on the relative merits and the utter rottenness of this whole scheme and it would be considered impertinent if I in my limited intellectual capabilities were to pass any variety of judgement on it. However, now that the entire brouhaha has met its natural death and has been consigned to the dusty cabinet of forgotten inconveniences, I would like to follow the path much trodden by the inferior columnist and bring you the post-match interviews. Therefore, without much ado, and with an unprecedented and vigorous cut-to-the-chase, I present the variegated opinions and viewpoints unshipped at the post-match press conference.

The Fat Bald Politician (FBP)
The FBP with the customary smug, constipated demeanour said
"On a personal level I do not give a rat's posterior to this whole thingummy. I am beyond any sort of higher education and my offspring too have no requirement for it. In fact they have no requirement for any education or skills at all since I have skimmed enough from public coffers and lottery frauds so that they can lead the lives of the idle rich.
At a political level however I was not exactly sleeping over it. As soon as these blokes made for the protests, I set my aides to find out as to which exact vote bank the chumps belonged to. Much to my surprise, they did not belong to any of the established mass-voting entities. We all know that in a democracy, one pretty much does not possess any rights if one does not belong to any of the vote-banks. So, being the undeserving cretins that they were, I promptly instructed the police to wallop the living daylights out of them. That for some strange reason did not go well with the pesky fourth estate. (Ingrates that they are) So I simply decided to ignore them. Worked well actually."
After saying so, FBP then went to sleep.

The Fourth Estate
The representative of the public press arrived late. He however profusely apologized for his late arrival -- "I am very sorry to have kept all of you waiting. I was actually held up since I was covering the live telecast of Shah Rukh Khan's tummy tuck surgery. You know how these surgery things are don't you ? It went into extra time." he said with an apologetic shrug. When asked about the whole reservation thing he said
"In all honesty, it did start out pretty well. We did have a whale of a time when the police were thrashing the protesters within an inch of their lives. We did get a few of the gory shots of students rolling in the mud and reeling from the treatment being meted out by the police. That really did give the ratings a decentish prod. The problem was that it was a bit repetitive. Also the news really did not have zip to it. Not a single celebrity joined the protests. Those lazy bums could not even manage compulsive, jobless protesters like Shabana Azmi and Arundhati Roy, leave alone a Shah Rukh Khan. We finally decided to stop covering the yawn-fest in favour of a MMS message which was doing the rounds. It is a rather scintillating MMS actually. It has a Kareena Kapoor lookalike kissing a Kader Khan lookalike with an Irfan Pathan lookalike looking on in the background."
He then, rather excitedly went on to explain as to how that the contents of the message would be exclusively telecast on a particular news channel very soon.

The Protester
The markedly dazed protester when asked about the key learnings and experiences he had gleaned from the whole ruckus, rather resignedly remarked
"These stupid movies and newspapers had us actually thinking that we are a democracy and we have rights and all that. So we started this protest nonsense thinking that somebody would actually listen to us. Those movies and feel-good articles are really not very truthful. Nobody really cares for us and our opinion is pretty much crap. Also killing the FBP is not that easy. Whatever those stupid movies say, those obese bastards never really go for morning walks when you can shoot them !"

Tags: Reservations,IndianMSM