Greg Chappell says Bite Me -- The Translated Interview

Oh yes ! It has happened. The sixth-ish or seventh-ish ranked team which was expected to end up in the  first-ish or second-ish position by a billion-ish feverish fans has proved itself not to be really good enough to qualify to the top eight-ish.  In the wake of such an unexpected turn of events,  the Great Indian Yellow Media ( which already has pitched in with some of the most incisive and investigative reporting on the tragic Bob Woolmer affair ), decided to rest their perspicacious gaze on the Indian Team's benign coach, demanding an explanation for the tepid performance on the part of the blokes in blue. The Indian coach, in his customary bonhomie, has come back with his oft repeated "Bite Me !".

For the benefit of the members of my scanty readership who have not been able to discern the more robust undertones of this cockles-of-the-heart-warming exchange, I in my habitual generosity, have translated a few selections from the conversation itself.

Actual: 
Who should take responsibility for this defeat?
I think it's a collective responsibility. We didn't play well enough and it is a disappointment that everyone has to share.
Translation:
It is all your fault ! Is it not ?
Bite me ! The monkeys in blue are to blame. I am of course, as I always have been --- perfect !

Actual:
Would you like to continue as coach?
This is not the time to talk about that.
Translation:
Time you called it a day eh ? (Smirk smirk) !
Depends on how much money they offer me in the renewed contract actually. (Smirk smirk)

Actual:
Over the last 17 matches overseas, India have only played 50 overs on four occasions. Why is that?
We haven't played well enough.
Translation:
Have you even been noticing that we have been batting like a bunch of bungling monkeys for some time now ?
Yeah I did. So ?

Actual:
But it's a period stretching over one and a half years...
We haven't played well enough, that's it.
Translation:
And your coaching and planning during that time has not really bought home the biscuit has it  ? 
Bite me !

Actual:
Aren't you shirking your responsibility?
No I don't think so. I am not employed by you people, I am employed by the BCCI. Obviously, I will have to face up to them and give them a report and give them some indications of what I think. But I don't think this is the forum for me to say anything.
Translation:
You know what old chap ? All this "bite me, bite me" is getting a trifle tiresome. Are you going to act apologetic or not ?
Muhahahahahahahaha ! You chaps would really like that, would you not ? Well honestly, I do not intend to do any such thing. Not worth it actually. During my finger raising tenure, I have realised that you guys, at the end of the day, are rather fickle and ineffectual. So .... you guessed it ! Bite me !

Actual:
You said you are answerable to the BCCI. But aren't you also answerable to one billion fans in India? Shouldn't you say something to them?
We didn't play well enough.
Translation:
Come on now ! Could you at least act a bit contrite ? Please  ?
Bite me !

Actual:
Why didn't we play well enough?
Well I don't think India has won a tournament overseas since 1985. There is a bit of history to it. There are obviously some reasons. I am not prepared to go into them at this stage.
Translation:
That is pretty much enough ! You have no clue as to how to coach a side do you ? 
Well... honestly no. I am not really good at coaching and all that. I am here for the money and the politicking . That is where the real fun is. Actually I also had no faith in this side anyway. They are a bunch who have not managed to win anything over the last 20 years. So what did you guys expect ? I was pretending to coach a bunch of imbeciles who had no chance of winning anyway. So I did not bother. 

Actual:
This is still India's worst performance in World Cup history. Is there a need for serious introspection?
I think there is a need for a serious introspection, but I don't think it should start today.
Translation:
But we were the finalists last time ? Remember ? We were pretty good then ! We only lost to the Australians in the last world cup !
Well, you did not lose to Australia this time did you ? And yes ... It really is not my fault.

Actual:
Are you going to go back with the Indian team or are you worried about your security?
I don't think any comment about that is going to help the situation. I'm quite confident that systems are in place to look after security of the team and the individuals involved.
Translation:
Do you think that the those bone-headed Indian fans might knock your house down too ?
Naah ! Those idiots cannot do that. My house is in Australia.

Actual:
You took over the team in July of 2005. How many points would you give yourself on a scale of 10?
Again, that's a very difficult question to answer. I'm happy that I've done the best job that I could do. Eighteen months is not a long time to build a team. If you look at any sport, it takes a long time. To put a number from my point of view, I don't think I am the right man to make that assessment. I am happy with myself. The coaching staff and the support staff did they best that they could do. It wasn't good enough.
Translation:
Care to share a few thoughts on being a complete loser ?
Naah ! I am a bit tired of this whole conversation thing anyway. I think I will go and practice my sulk-behind-the-glass-window thing. Oh wait ! I nearly forget!  For the last time,  bite me !